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Berlin Fire Department winds down before summer recess

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Berlin (dpo) - The hard-earned holidays have arrived: The Berlin Fire Department is heading into the summer recess. From tomorrow onwards, all fire extinguishing and rescue work will be put on hold for six weeks, until the firefighters return to service on the 1st of September. Read more »

Smoker dies of heart attack on seeing unsettling graphic health warning

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Gelsenkirchen, Germany (dpo) - Having discovered a brutal graphic health warning on his packet of cigarettes, a 53 year-old man from Gelsenkirchen, Germany, died of a heart attack this morning. Critics of the tobacco industry regard the man’s death as proof that the graphic health warnings are working – after all, he finally stopped smoking after 39 years. Read more »

8 signs that your postman is trying to kill you

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Postmen are important as they bring you bills, reminders and advertisements. But what if he is secretly out to get you? What if he is just waiting for the right moment? The Postillon presents eight sure signs that your postie is trying to kill you. Read more »

Pedestrian collides with parked smart car, car totalled

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Mainz (dpo) - On Tuesday, a careless pedestrian in the city of Mainz collided with a parked smart car, totalling the car. According to witnesses, the man who caused the accident was moving at a speed of approx. 2 mph. Afterwards, the man, whose identity remains a mystery, fled on foot. He is now wanted by the police. Read more »

Death-trap swings: majority of German playgrounds not fitted with winter tyres

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Darmstadt (dpo) - German playgrounds are insufficiently prepared for the cold season – that is according to the results of a nationwide investigation carried out by the Technical Inspection Association TÜV which sampled over 300 sites. In particular, their experts criticised the lack of winter tyres on swings and seesaws. In adverse weather conditions, this could cause life-threatening accidents. Read more »

Man unsure how much to spend on Christmas present after agreeing not to exchange gifts

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Vancouver (dpo) - It is quite the conundrum. William McLaughlin from Vancouver is once again facing his annual dilemma: how much money should he spend on his girlfriend Susanne? The problem is that the couple have agreed not to exchange gifts for Christmas. This has ended disastrously for the 29-year-old for the last two years. Read more »

New ‘burkdl’ enables devout Muslim women to attend Oktoberfest

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Munich, Bavaria (dpo) - Finally, devout Muslim women need no longer forego beer, pork knuckles and hearty oompah music. Today, a fashion designer from Munich unveiled his latest creation, which he calls the ‘burkdl’. The garment is a cross between a burka and a dirndl, merging eastern and western traditions elegantly and respectfully. Of course, it had to be approved by an Imam before it could hit the shops. Read more »

News Ticker (19)

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+++ "Please, take assheat!": Man guides guest to butt-warming chair +++ +++ Shoplifting: Godzilla takes away entire supermarket +++ +++ Blue toe: dwarf planet bruises foot +++ +++ Ran somewhere: internet security specialist disappeared after hacker attack +++ +++ Some more war: Russians celebrate tea time in Ukraine +++ +++ Just in: Bieber's new Album has arrived +++ Read more »

Heroic passer-by smashes car window to save multipack of beer from dying of heat stroke

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Peterborough, UK (dpo) - Saved in the nick of time! A man from Peterborough showed real courage today: he saw a multipack of beer which looked certain to die a painful death from heat stroke in a car that was parked in the direct heat of the sun. He acted swiftly to save it, smashing in the front window of the car. Now, Daniel Ruston is even due to receive an award from the City of Peterborough recognising his bravery. Read more »

“Right, that’s enough!”: Queen to reinstate absolute monarchy

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London (dpo) - In the wake of the political chaos following Boris Johnson's resignation as Prime Minister HM Queen Elizabeth II has announced that she has had quite enough. Today in a televised speech the 96 year old monarch declared that the system of parliamentary monarchy was to transition to one of absolute monarchy with immediate effect. Read more »

Boy in Bangladesh ridiculed by peers for not making designer clothes

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Dhaka (dpo) - Rifat Muntasir (11) does not have it easy. The young textile-industry worker is constantly bullied by his peers because, unlike them, he does not make brand-name clothes. Instead, he spends his days making clothes for a variety of white-label companies and cheap discounters, working up to 13 hours per day. Read more »

Eighth grader kicked out of school for dividing by zero

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Edmonton, Canada (dpo) - What was he thinking? His teacher warned him off several times but Max S. still went ahead and divided by zero. Now the 13-year-old has been expelled from Allendale junior high school in Edmonton, Alberta. Luckily, only his maths teacher was adversely affected. She is now receiving psychological support. Read more »

Automobile Club advises: always provide foil if leaving pet in parked car

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Madrid (dpo) - Due to the current heat wave sweeping Spain and other parts of Europe, the Royal Automobile Club of Spain is urging all drivers to be especially careful when parking their vehicle in the blazing sun. Dog or cat owners who leave their pets in the car should always ensure they line their seat with foil. Read more »

NRA sends gift basket with "consolation weapons" to relatives of Texas School Shooting

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Uvalde (dpo) - A truly noble gesture in difficult times: just one week after the terrible day in which a mass shooting left 19 children and two adults dead, the National Rifle Association (NRA) has presented the relatives of the casualties with a small gift. As a consolation for their loss, the families of each victim received a gift basket with a varied mixture of local weapon specialities. Read more »

Russian hackers insert porn pages into married man's browser history

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Des Moines, IA (dpo) - Does Putin have any morals whatsoever? It seems Russian hackers have infiltrated the computer of a married man from Des Moines and inserted numerous links to porn pages into the man’s browser history. So far, it is still unclear why the Kremlin targeted the man. Read more »

Yet more cost-saving measures at Ryanair: passengers now to land with parachute

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Dublin (dpo) - Ryanair is tightening its belt even further: to save money, the Irish low-cost airline now intends to strike the landing from all scheduled flights. Passengers will instead be dropped over their destination airport with a parachute. Read more »

Record high visitor numbers for spa advertising gluten-free air

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Bad Rabenwalde, Germany (dpo) - The owners of the spa resort in question are swamped with bookings. The mention of “gluten-free air” in an advertising leaflet resulted in visitors swarming to rural German spa resort of Bad Rabenwalde. Read more »

Boy last seen online on WhatsApp three hours ago: 17-year-old reported missing

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Munich (dpo) - Huge worries about Niklas T.! The 17-year-old from the vicinity of Munich has been reported missing since noontime today. According to police, the pupil was last seen on WhatsApp three hours before by friends. Attempts to follow his traces in several WhatsApp groups have not brought any results so far. Read more »

Damage valued at £88.27 as burglars strip Primark store of entire contents

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Sheffield (dpo) - Sheffield’s burglars had a ball last night: unknown perpetrators stripped bare the Primark store located at number 30 The Moor, right down to the last T-shirt. The criminals even managed to make off with the till containing the day’s takings. According to police, the total damage is estimated to £88.27 (US$ 115.25 at time of publishing). Read more »

Russia praised as only country in world with no need to investigate alleged war crimes, already certain they are false

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Bucha, Moscow (dpo) - In a revelation that puts Russia lightyears ahead of other nations, the Kremlin appears to have the means to know with instant certainty that accustations of war crimes are false, with no need for any kind of investigation. Read more »

Sight of young female pharmacist causes man with penile yeast infection to spontaneously purchase cough syrup

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Augsburg (dpo) - Confronted with a young female pharmacist, a 25-year-old man with a very itchy penile yeast infection spontaneously bought a bottle of cough syrup instead of a soothing cream in central Augsburg today. By his own account, he had already tried in vain to procure a treatment for his ailment at several different pharmacies. Read more »

No need to pay attention to traffic anymore: smartphone user gets guide dog

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Lübeck (dpo) - It’s a nuisance familiar to many smartphone users: the inconvenience of looking up from their displays in traffic. Yet Alexander Friesenegger from Lübeck, Germany, has found a way around this problem. The clever 27-year-old decided to get a guide dog, enabling him to surf the internet, play games or video chat to his heart’s content while walking across the city. Read more »

“It’ll all be alright, mate”: man cures friend from depression using one simple sentence

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Perth, Australia (dpo) - This is an extraordinary psychological breakthrough. It all happened when a friend of bank employee Manny Paterson opened up to him about his long-term struggle with depression. Manny managed to cure his friend of the illness simply by saying, “It’ll all be alright, mate”. Experts agree that this method could spark a true revolution across the whole field of psychology. Read more »

As western firms leave Russia, McPutin, Vladivostok Fried Chicken and Burger Tzar open their doors

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Moscow (dpo) - Western companies are pulling out of Russia in their droves and the Kremlin is moving in Russian replacements to fill the gaps. Today, Moscow welcomed the first outlets of new fast-food chains McPutin, Vladivostok Fried Chicken and Burger Tzar. Other popular brands have also been replaced. Read more »

Ukrainian child in bunker wracked with worry about trauma of high fuel costs in other countries

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Kharkiv (dpo) - How awful that people have to suffer like this! One young Ukrainian in a bomb shelter in Kharkiv constantly worries about those poor people in other countries who are suffering the trauma of high fuel costs. Read more »

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